Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
