Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
