He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
