i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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