My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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