dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
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