Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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