hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
