i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
