she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
