That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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