Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
