i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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