you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
