I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
