Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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