i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Randomize