ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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