A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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