I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
