Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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