If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
