i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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