What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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