What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Im just a social blackout drinker.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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