you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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