I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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