Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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