I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
