Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
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