someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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