I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
