I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
