I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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