just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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