Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
