Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
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