Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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