you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
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