Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
