dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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