im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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