I CAN MOONWALK!
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
