Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Randomize