Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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