i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
