lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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