Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize
