Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize