i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
