Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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