We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
