The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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