My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
