I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Sober January is a disaster.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
