what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
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