proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
