3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize