At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Well I just put wine in my tea
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
