I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
