Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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