i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Randomize
