why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
