hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
