woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
You ruined the universe
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize