just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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