If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
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