I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I didn't notice because vodka
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
