you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Vodka?
Forever.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
