She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
