There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize
