If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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