A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
