my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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